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Ever since the Void incident (as the team had been calling it), the team had put a number of safeguards in place to prevent a similar incident from occurring again. Most of these applied mainly to Bob, for example Bob wasn’t allowed to use sharp objects without supervision (usually by Alexei or Yelena) for a few weeks after the incident. Bob wasn’t allowed to read comments on news articles published about the team. If Bob felt the need to use drugs, he had to inform someone on the team and they would provide him with a safe environment and means of doing so. Bob had to use a mood stabilizer (this one was implemented by Valentina, but everyone on the team agreed it was the best approach). And most importantly, Bob had to talk to someone if he ever felt an instability in his mood. This was mostly to prevent him from becoming either Sentry or The Void again, of course, because both of those entities were far too unpredictable and unstable to risk another incident. However, many of these rules applied to the whole team. Especially the last one. The team was far from the picture of sound mind, and they were painfully aware of this. In order to keep spirits high and keep public perception positive, they each had to do their part and know when to lean on each other for support.
There was just one problem with that. John Walker wasn’t exactly known for his stellar communication abilities. His military training taught him that boys don’t cry, feelings were for sissies, and other similar sentiments. While he understood the value that emotional conversations could hold for others, he just couldn’t do it himself. It wasn’t in his nature. Emotions other than anger were a childish pastime, that he’d rather forget and move past.
This naturally clashed with the family-focused culture that had formed in Avengers Tower. It was so damn sappy all the time that Walker could almost vomit. And perhaps that reaction was something that Yelena would get all preachy about, and would encourage John to “open up” about, but fuck that. Walker was more than happy keeping those feelings to himself.
But it was only a matter of time.
-
The first time, John had been scrolling through social media after waking up in the morning. It didn’t take long for him to come across the tabloid headlines.
Former Captain America’s Former Wife Remarries - Says She’s Fighting to Keep Her Son.
John felt sick. It was almost as if the world was mocking him, rubbing all of his failures in his face with one headline. He was offended. Hurt, even.
As he investigated further, he found details about Olivia’s new husband. John nearly had to laugh at the articles. The guy was another military man. Decorated with a multitude of acknowledgements and achievements, just like him. Only this guy seemed to actually have his shit together. Fuck.
John tossed his phone down on the bed next to him in frustration. He sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and wringing his face in his hands. He hardly had visiting rights to his son as it was, but he could certainly say goodbye to them now. No court would look at him, “U.S. Agent,” and see a fit father figure. And if Walker himself wasn’t telling enough, one glimpse at his unconventional team of ne’er-do-wells would be enough to make a CPS agent clutch their pearls. John was a failure in every aspect of his life, and all he could feel was anger.
But, it was too early for all of that. He could hear Alexei’s booming laugh from the kitchen down the hall and he knew the rest of the team was likely either having breakfast or getting ready to do so. John had to put on a pleasant face and join them, as he’d been doing every day for the last 2 months. So, John pushed himself up off the bed, and changed out his worn pajama pants for a tight-fitting t-shirt and black cargos, topped off with a tactical belt. Simple but true to his roots. He gave his hair a quick comb, double checking its tidiness before in the mirror before joining the others.
As he approached the kitchen, he could hear the others’ voices, already grating in his ears. Any other day, Walker would have tolerated this nonsense, but today had other things on his mind. nonetheless, it was none of their business. He took a breath, before rounding the corner into the kitchen where the group had gathered.
Walker zeroed in on the coffee machine, and attempted to beeline straight towards his morning caffeine, not acknowledging the activity around him. But, in another one of the universe’s ruthless jokes, he was unsuccessful.
“Walker!! Finally, you rise and join us for meal time!” Alexei greeted him, arms open wide, spatula in hand. “We have sausage and egg today, but not good kind. Bob cheap out.”
“Okay, first of all, I don’t eat sausages, so how was I supposed to know what kind is the ‘good kind?’” Bob defended himself, hands up in surrender to the large Russian man. “And secondly, eggs are eggs. It’s not my fault you’re that picky.”
“He’s not that picky.” Yelena said in her monotone voice. “He’s just being a bitch to look cool in front of Walker.” John glanced at Yelena, who was stirring her tea with a peculiar look in her eyes.
John remained silent and took a mug out of the cabinet, pleased to see someone had already prepared the coffee pot and it was sitting on the warmer. He poured himself a cup, replacing the pot and taking a sip, sighing at the bitter taste in his mouth. It was exactly what he needed to quell the anxiety that had started to settle in his stomach.
“I still don’t know how you drink black coffee, Walker.” Ava muttered, sipping her own devilish concoction of coffee, cream, and probably too much sugar.
John shot her an irritated glance. In a deadpan voice, he said, “You get used to it in Afghanistan.”
“Jesus, alright. I guess someone didn’t get enough sleep last night. What a grouch.” Ava shook her head in disbelief, decidedly not interacting with John until his attitude improved.
John took that as his cue to leave, squeezing past Alexei and swiping a sausage off the plate next to him. As he headed back down the hallway, he started to think about how he wanted to spend the day, as they didn’t have any missions planned for now. However, he was pulled from his thoughts as he heard footsteps behind him.
“Wait up, Walker.” Yelena’s voice echoed. John stopped and turned, looking down at the blonde woman approaching him. “Let’s talk for a second.”
John paused, confused. “About what?”
Yelena sighed, seemingly composing her words in her head for a moment. “I saw the headlines.” Oh. “I just want you to know, I’m here- all of us, we’re all here for you. I know it probably sucks to find out like that.”
John felt irritation bubbling in his chest again. But he remained composed. “Uh, thanks. But I’m fine.”
Yelena cocked her head to the side. “Are you sure?”
John was growing increasingly tired of this conversation. It wasn’t anyone’s business. And why was everyone in this tower so damn concerned with everyone else’s feelings?
“I said I’m fine.” John spat out, catching Yelena off guard.
“Fine, then.” She huffed, crossing her arms. “If you need anything, let us know, you know?” John nodded simply in response, and Yelena headed back to the kitchen. John had an itch in his stomach, one that was sure to go away if he focused his mind elsewhere. The thought crossed his mind to maybe call Yelena back to talk, but he quickly put it to rest as he turned towards the in-house gym in an effort to work out his frustration.
-
The next time happened about a week or two later, in the dead of night, when everyone was asleep in Avengers Tower. John Walker included.
His sleep was intruded by unwanted images, of his time of Afghanistan. Of the atrocities he witnessed in the military. Of the atrocities he committed in the military. Then, Lemar. And what followed. Flashes of violent outbursts and public scrutiny.
John Walker bolted upright in his bed, clutching his chest desperately. His breath ran away from him, and he could feel sweat dripping off his forehead. Remnants of his nightmare lingered before his eyes, and he rubbed them to will the images away. As his consciousness caught up with him and he oriented himself with his surroundings, his breathing evened. He glanced around the room and felt his blankets around him, grounding himself in reality. Walker heaved a shaky breath and glanced at his nightstand, empty save for a small lamp and his phone.
Water, John thought. He stood up, with slight resistance from his still-sleeping body. He picked up a sweater from his floor and pulled it over his head, grabbing his phone off the nightstand to use as a flashlight as he headed towards the kitchen.
As he turned the corner into the kitchen, he was surprised to see dark figure standing at the tall glass windows overlooking the city. John jumped.
“Jesus! …Bob?” John shined his flashlight on the shadow, feeling relieved at the fact that the light managed to illuminate Bob’s figure rather than get absorbed into a dark silhouette. Just normal, everyday Bob.
“Oh. Heh, yeah. Sorry I startled you.” Bob held up a hand to shield his eyes from the flashlight, looking back at John who was standing behind him at the other end of the room.
“Don’t do that shit. Had me worried for a second, standing there looking all shadowy… void-y.” John lowered his flashlight, reaching for the dial on the wall, bringing a small amount of warm light into the room. “At least turn on a light if you’re going to brood.”
John turned back to his task, and ambled towards the fridge to pull out the pitcher of water, pouring it into a glass.
“I wasn’t brooding.” Bob said after a moment. “Just couldn’t sleep.” When John turned to face him, he was sitting in a chair near the window, knees pulled up to his chest. John’s face pulled into an expression of discomfort. Damn, Bob was trying to talk about his feelings. Why John? Why couldn’t it wait until it wasn’t… John looked at the clock on his phone. 2:37 AM? Still, he swallowed his discomfort and heeded the rules the team had set out.
“Why’s that?” John offered, leaning against the counter. There was a good 10 feet between them, but John would rather keep his distance.
Bob shrugged. “I get nightmares sometimes.” John’s interest piqued, it was an odd coincidence considering what had woken him on this night. But it was just that. A coincidence. “About… y’know. It.”
John nodded. “Yeah, I know. I kinda figured.” He looked at his glass, the swirling liquid in it as he tipped the glass back and forth.
There was another moment’s silence before Bob spoke again. “What’ll happen if… if it happens again?” John looked back up at Bob, who was fidgeting with his hands. “If Sentry or the Void come back? I’m not so sure I’d trust myself. I still don’t remember much about it, but what I do remember is… well, it’s enough to know I don’t want it to happen.” There was a desperate, pleading look in Bob’s eyes. They reflected the twinkle of the city below, or perhaps those were tears threatening to fall.
“Then we deal with it.” John had sympathy for Bob’s struggles. He really did. But it was just that, sympathy. He couldn’t bring himself to “feel his pain” or whatever the hell Yelena was always on about. It was too difficult to face those emotions. Besides, John was getting pretty sick of all the self-pity that Bob was spewing all the time. News flash, everyone hated themselves. It didn’t make Bob special. That, and it was too damn late (early?) for this bullshit. John wanted to go the hell to bed.
Bob nodded slowly. “…You’re really bad at this.”
“Yeah. Big fuckin’ surprise.”
Luckily, Bob didn’t seem to take offense. If Yelena or Ava had heard John talking to Bob like this, it would have warranted a stern talking to at the very least. But what Yelena and Ava didn’t understand was that Bob was stronger than he looked. He could take a little pushing around every now and then.
“…So what are you doing up?” Bob asked. John grunted uncomfortably. “I mean, if you want to say so.”
John contemplated sharing his own nightmare experience. After all, Bob would understand, right? They might have finally found some sad, demented, common ground between them. But…
“Just thirsty.”
Bob nodded in acknowledgement. “I think I’ll probably just sit here for a bit, if that’s okay.”
John shrugged. “I don’t care what you do. Just don’t make noise and keep me awake.” He finished off his glass of water, before heading back towards the hallway.
“Roger that, Captain.” Bob called in response. Something about the nickname made John’s heart swell. “Good night, Walker.”
As John flicked the light back off, he glanced at Bob’s silhouette against the city lights once more. “Night, Bobby.”
-
Next, it was on a mission. Objectively the worst place to have to deal with unwanted feelings.
It was a simple assignment; get in, disable the terrorist group’s communications, disengage their tech, get out, herd up the stragglers, and turn them in to the proper authorities. It should have been one and done, in and out and headed back home within an hour.
But of course, there were complications. Because why wouldn’t there be?
There was a higher number of enemy soldiers present in the underground facility than expected. Somehow they’d escaped the thermal sensors the team had been using. The team got spotted, and quickly ambushed and outnumbered.
“We need backup! Where the hell is Alexei?” John shouted over gunfire, trying to aim his voice into the communication device on his collarbone.
“I deal with my own problem, Walker!” Alexei’s gravelly voice sounded over the radio, accompanied by the rustling sound of movement which suggested he was engaged in some kind of hand-to-hand combat. “We are backup!”
John shrugged to no one in particular, in passive agreement. Right. The government’s first choice of superheroes to deal with things like this was Sam’s team. John and his buddies got whatever Sam’s team didn’t want to bother with. Their scraps, their hand-outs.
John was interrupted from his thoughts by a sudden explosion near his head. He ducked down, jumping out of the way of the flying concrete debris. He glanced back up from the floor to see Bucky slamming a soldier against the crumbled remains of the column that just exploded. Bucky applied pressure with his metal arm onto the enemy soldier, using his free hand to press what looked like a taser to the soldier’s midsection. The soldier dropped to the ground, and Bucky glanced down at John.
Bucky’s cold gaze gave John the motivation he needed to push off the ground again, rising to his feet and reorienting himself with the activity around him. He reached for his gun in the holster strapped to his thigh, only to find it empty. Shit, he forgot one of the enemies swiped it from him earlier. Suddenly empty-handed, John panicked as he heard footsteps approaching from the corridor. Fuck, fuckfuckfuck, John scrambled for his shield, holding it up over himself in his best attempt to protect himself. Sure, it was bulletproof, but it wouldn’t hold them off forever. His eye caught Bucky’s to his left, who seemed to be in a similar predicament with nothing to protect himself except hand-to-hand fighting and his admittedly pathetic taser. The footsteps were getting closer.
John, in a rushed moment, grabbed Bucky by the arm and pulled him behind his shield. Bucky grunted in surprise, but he didn’t have time to object before the rapid gunfire started. The pair strafed backwards, trying to make a getaway and plan their next line of attack. But they weren’t quick enough.
It only took a second for John to register the clunk of an object at his feet. “SHIT!” John shouted, immediately covering the bomb with his shield. It was a long shot, but it was better than getting blown to bits. Everything seemed to move in slow motion for a moment, as Bucky clued in and moved to hold the shield down with his metal arm. The slats of vibranium flexed as Bucky pushed down on the shield with all the strength he could muster. The pair glanced into each other’s eyes, sharing a hopeful look, before the impact hit with a deafening blow and John felt himself get thrown off the ground and it all went dark.
There was a ringing in John’s ears as the darkness transitioned to a blinding white light. He groaned, opening his eyes and squinting at the fluorescent lighting around him. He was in the medbay of the tower. He’d been here before, but never for long. He rarely needed patching up after missions thanks to the serum. But this time was different. He felt an ache in his rib cage, he guessed he must have broken a few ribs in the impact of the bomb. No big deal. He’d probably heal in a day or two, if that. He forced himself to sit up, glancing at the table by the hospital bed. There were a couple of sympathy cards, signed with Val and Yelena’s names.
John pulled the IV out of his arm, standing up and catching his balance before stumbling out of the room. He was immediately met with a difference in volume and scenery, as the room across the hall was bustling with activity.
The rest of the team gathered around the corridor, as well as several people John didn’t recognize. He peered past the crowd and saw Bucky, also in a hospital bed, surrounded by flowers and balloons and the like. He had a handful of scrapes on his face, and looked tired, but other than that Bucky seemed to be in high spirits. John was relieved. They both made it out okay.
“You’re so lucky! That blast would have killed anyone else,” John heard Ava’s voice from inside the room. “But thanks to the serum, you just had a few bumps to take care of.” John figured that’s also why he was relatively healthy after facing the explosion head-on. There was also Bucky’s help to consider, without his strength holding the shield down, who knows how much more of the blast the two of them would have faced?
“That was so brave, covering the grenade with Walker’s shield!” A voice John didn’t recognize chimed in. “That’s why you’re the leader, you know how to make the tough decisions.”
John felt frustration simmering within him. No, that’s not what happened. John was the one to notice the grenade. John covered it with his shield. Bucky just helped hold it down. Bucky didn’t actually do anything, really. It was all John.
For the first time in a long time, John started to feel resentment for Bucky. They were the same. They both did bad things in their past. Yet, Bucky was treated like a hero. John’s breath faltered as his mind reeled. Oh, so Bucky could spend decades killing god knows how many innocent people, and he’s treated as a god damn hero; while John kills one bad guy, and suddenly he’s the face of evil? What kind of justice was that? How was that fair? John was fuming. His grip on the moulding of the doorframe tightened, threatening to splinter the wood if he wasn’t careful. He felt flames build in his chest. He bit his tongue.
“Oh! John! You’re awake!” Yelena’s voice brought him back to himself. “How are you feeling, are you okay?” She pushed her way towards him, looking him up and down and seemingly inspecting his condition. “There was an explosion, but Bucky blocked it from hitting either of you too bad, isn’t that amazing?” Yelena smiled up at the blonde man, whose lip twitched in irritation.
“I’m okay.” He inhaled briefly. There was so much John could say. But he but his tongue, knowing better than that. “Yeah, that’s great. Good for him.”
-
Laughter filled the room as John and Bob returned from a trip to the grocery store.
“And that’s why I drive, Bobby, and not you.” John chuckled. Bob shook his head in disbelief.
“Well how was I supposed to know what that meant?” Bob’s smile stretched across his face, and John couldn’t help but notice that it was the biggest smile he’s seen on the shorter man’s face since they met. He must be doing something right.
The pair turned the corner into the kitchen where Yelena and Bucky were sitting at the counter.
“What gives? We send you guys out for groceries and suddenly you’re the best of friends?” Bucky raised an eyebrow. It had been a couple of weeks since the mission, so both Bucky and John had fully recovered.
Bob shrugged. “John’s not so bad. I tolerate him, if anything.” Bob snickered gleefully, glancing up at John’s amused response.
“That’s more than I can say for you.” John teased back as the two began putting the groceries in their respective places.
Not long after, Bob put the last box of cereal (Wheaties, as specifically requested by Alexei) in the cupboard, he brushed his hands on his hips. “Alright, then, I’m gonna go take a shower.” He smiled, nodding at the rest of the room before heading down the hall.
“I’m not sure I’ve ever seen that guy so… content.” Bucky muttered, once he was certain Bob was out of earshot. He glared at John. “What did you do?”
John put his hands up in surrender. “Jesus, for once don’t point the gun at me. All you’ve gotta do is treat the guy like a person.” John avoided Yelena’s gaze. “…You guys are always so careful, trying not to set him off. But he can take a lot more than you think.”
There was a moment’s silence, and Bucky hummed in thought. “I suppose you’re right. Good catch, Walker.” Bucky got up from his seat, patting Yelena on the back before leaving the room, seemingly to dwell on John’s observation.
John and Yelena shared a look, before John went back to absentmindedly organizing the spice rack. John could feel Yelena’s eyes drilling a hole into the back of his head and he didn’t like it. It made him feel vulnerable. Like she knew something he didn’t. Just as he was about to speak up, Yelena broke the silence.
“You know, no one would judge you.”
John was thrown off guard. He turned his head again to face her, twisting his face in confusion. “Huh? What the hell are you talking about?”
Yelena sighed. “Like, I understand you probably have some internalized thing from the military but it’s okay to like a guy.”
What? John felt heat rising in his face. “Christ, ‘Lena, you think I don’t know that? I’m fucking, like, an ally, or whatever.”
Yelena scoffed. “Sure, yeah, that’s all.” She quickly wiped the smile off her face when John shot her a lethal glare. “Okay, this is probably too bold of me to say but I see the way you look at Bob. And everyone would be okay with it.”
John was fuming now. “You’re damn fucking right it’s too bold! Who the hell starts a conversation like that?” He tightened his fist, voice rising. Anyone in their rooms could probably hear him.
It was Yelena’s turn to put her hands up in surrender. She rose from her seat and stepped back. “Okay, Walker, I’ve clearly hit a nerve.” She bowed her head out of respect, in an attempt to ease the tension. “I’m sorry for bringing it up. I just wanted you to know…” she paused, speaking lowly and choosing her words carefully. “That it would be okay to move on. Like Olivia did.”
And that was the breaking point. The next few minutes were a blur, mostly of John screaming expletives and hurtful words. He lost control of his strength at one point and Yelena would later tell him that he broke the countertop by punching it. John became violent, with Yelena’s words clearly hitting more than just a nerve. He became blinded with rage. All the frustration, hurt, and betrayal he had been keeping inside for all these weeks since seeing the headline about Olivia… it was exploding in an embarrassing overflow of aggression. All directed at Yelena, who dared to undermine him. She couldn’t stand that John was making a friend so she had to go and mock him. And how? By suggesting John was gay? How fucking dare she. John had his reputation to uphold. And Yelena clearly was jealous of his success.
As John spat injury after insult at Yelena, Bucky eventually rushed back into the room, grabbing onto John with his metal arm. Yelena simply watched with wide, scared eyes. Eyes that reminded John of the little girl she used to be, exposed to such awful things in the red room. Being held back by Bucky’s strength, combined with this sudden rush of guilt seeing Yelena’s fear, flicked a switch in John’s mind.
And suddenly, John’s screams quieted and he stopped fighting against Bucky’s hold. His legs weakened and he dropped to the floor. He held Yelena’s gaze, as his vision clouded and he felt wetness falling upon his cheeks. Was he… crying? No.. no, he couldn’t. This was weak. He was weak. But he couldn’t stop it. The more he fought it, the more his tears fell. In his struggle to defy nature, he began to sob weakly. Bucky seemed to notice what was happening, and wrapped his other around John with a lighter grip. He was… hugging John. John lost himself in the never ending cycle of guilt and weakness, hurting and being hurt. His sobs increased in volume. It only took a moment for Yelena to join Bucky and John on the floor, wrapping her arms around John as well.
John wasn’t sure how long he was there crying on the floor for. The time seemed to slip away, until he had no tears left to cry. Again, things started to blur together and the next thing he knew, he was waking up in his bed to early morning light falling through his window.
His eyes were sore and weak from the day before. He couldn’t even remember the last time he cried before this. Maybe when Lemar died. But this was so much different. This was many years’ worth of guilt bubbling up and overflowing. And John was embarrassed. He felt the same pit of anxiety settle into his stomach as he sat up in bed. He rubbed his elbow in an attempt to soothe himself. He spent so long hiding from his emotions that he wasn’t sure what to do with them now.
There was a knock on his door. John cleared his throat, sitting up straighter in an attempt to make himself look more self-assured. “Come in.”
Yelena entered the room apprehensively, and John reverted back to his previous posture. “Hey. Did you sleep well?” Yelena almost whispered, not moving from where she stood in the doorway.
“Um, yeah. I don’t even remember falling asleep.”
“I’m not surprised. Yesterday was… a lot.”
John winced, hearing the pain in Yelena’s voice. “I’m really sorry, ‘Lena.” John avoided her gaze, staring down at the pool of blankets between his legs. “I wish I could take it all back.”
The room was too quiet. John could hear a pin drop. “If you’re waiting for me to say it’s okay, then you’re not going to.” Yelena spoke matter-of-factly. John looked up at her, as she started to walk towards John. “Yes, I empathize with you and whatever you have going on in your head, but that does not make it okay.” She crossed her arms, stopping in front of John and not sitting down. “You scared me, Walker. You could have hurt someone. We’ve worked hard to build a stable environment here, for all of us. We can’t have one person ruining that. It means life or death, in a lot of different ways, for everyone here.”
John nodded slowly. “Okay. I understand.” He knew apologizing was futile. This would take more than an apology to fix. “What do I need to do?”
Yelena sighed, finally sitting down on the bed next to John. “That’s a bit of a tougher question. For starters, you have to tell me what’s going on.”
John bit his tongue. But he knew she was right. “Ever since I saw that headline about Olivia, I’ve had a lot of hard emotions to deal with. I pushed it all down. Like you said not to do.” John continued explaining everything to Yelena, from his military upbringing to his relationship with emotions to his superiority/inferiority complex to anger issues right up to what happened the day before. And Yelena listened for the whole thing. Despite the fact that it definitely took over half an hour for John to explain, with only a few tears in his eyes. Yelena stayed quiet for the whole time, only nodding when necessary. “…and now we’re here.” John sniffed, looking up at Yelena.
She took a moment, carefully choosing her next words. “Thank you for telling me all of that. I’m sorry I didn’t realize how much you were hurting.”
“That was kinda the goal.”
Yelena touched John’s arm gently. “I took what I said yesterday too far. I’m sorry that I upset you.”
John shook his head. “I’m sorry that I scared you. I really need help, Yelena. I want to fix this.”
Yelena nodded. “I know. And that’s what I was going to say next,” Yelena straightened her posture. “You’re going to need to meet with a therapist for a while. As long as it takes for them to feel like you’re mentally stable enough to work with us again. We can set you up with the same person Bob goes to, if you like.”
John nodded. This was the consequence for his actions. “I understand, and I agree. Thank you for this.”
Yelena smiled gently. “Of course. We will get through this, John.” Yelena pulled John into a warm hug, and John returned the gesture. “Please talk to me if you need anything.”
-
That night, John had trouble sleeping again. The weight of guilt still lay heavy on his shoulders, despite the fact that he made up with Yelena and apologized to everyone earlier that day. He knew it would pass eventually, but for now things were difficult. He decided he was going to walk around for a bit, so he got up and pulled on a sweater to walk to the kitchen and start with a glass of water.
As he turned the corner, he saw the light was on, though dim. He poked his head through the corridor and saw Bob sitting on the floor alone at the window, blanket over his shoulders.
“Hey, Bobby.” John spoke quietly, so not to startle Bob or awaken anyone else in the tower.
Bob turned at the voice, smiling when he saw John’s face. “Walker! Fancy seeing you here. Hard day?”
John walked towards the fridge to fill up his glass. “Don’t act like you don’t know the answer to that question.” John could already feel the weight on his shoulders lifting, seeing that the way Bob spoke to him hadn’t changed one bit.
“Yeah, I get it. Believe me, I know how crushing that weight is.”
John swirled his glass in his hand. “Mind if I join you?”
Bob shook his head. “Not at all. Plenty of room here, if you want blanket space too.” Bob held out one arm, offering some space under the blanket for John to join him. John didn’t question it, and quietly slipped under the blanket, taking the end from Bob’s hand.
“It’s nice to not have to explain myself again.” John said, staring out at the glow of the city beyond the window. “I know we’re all our own kinds of fucked up, but I’m tired of feeling like an outcast.”
Bob chuckled lightly. “Welcome to the club.” The pair shared a knowing glance. “Besides, I know better than anyone else here that it just takes one comment or action to send someone over the edge. It’s a slippery slope. I don’t see you any different, if it makes you feel better.”
John felt warmth spread across his face, this time a pleasant warmth rather than anger. “It does, actually.” He paused for a moment, considering something. Then, “You wanna know what sent me over the edge today?”
Bob looked at him. “Only if you want to tell me.”
John sighed. He wasn’t sure why he was saying this. But it felt right, and now was as good a time as any. “Yelena basically asked me if I was gay.”
“Oh.” Was all Bob could muster. John avoided his gaze, focusing his eyes on the movement of cars below. “Um, well..”
“I know. You’re going to ask me if I am.”
“No, that’s not it at all, actually…” Bob stumbled, looking at the floor. “I was just going to say I am. Um, gay.”
John looked at Bob. Bob looked at John. Bob had anxiety in his eyes, as usual. John had something else. Relief? “Oh. Uh, thanks. For telling me.” This was insanely awkward. John should say something. “I, uh, don’t know what I am.”
Bob nodded in understanding. “Well, I assume you like girls, right?” John laughed.
“Jesus, yeah, I like girls. A lot. There’s no doubt about that.” John looked back out at the city, thinking about previous relationships. Yeah, he liked girls. But… “But sometimes I think I might like guys too.”
Bob curled his legs up to his chest as he tended to do when he was self-soothing. “What makes you say that?”
John reminisced on his time in the military. Fleeting glances, rippling muscles, rushed hands… it was just guys fooling around. But it felt so right. No different than how John felt with a girl. “Just… experience.” There was silence again for a moment. John felt a sudden wave of confidence wash over him. “Well, and there’s this guy.”
Bob shook. “Oh, tell me about him.”
John smiled wryly. “Well, he’s got this beautiful smile. And he’s one of the funniest people I ever met. But… he’s really hard on himself. He’s done some stuff he’s not proud of. And I think we kind of understand each other to that degree. But I wish he could see how amazing he is. He makes me feel so seen. So… normal.”
“Gosh. This guy sounds awesome.” Bob whispered in awe. “…wait!”
John smiled, looking Bob in the eyes.
“…are you talking about Bucky?”
“What the fuck?! No!!!” John pushed Bob away in disbelief. Bob looked confused, seemingly wracking his brain for every other man they both knew.
“Jesus Christ, Bob, I’m talking about you!!” John wanted to slap Bob up the side of the head. Figuratively. Because he didn’t quite trust his strength after what happened the day before.
Realization dawned upon Bob’s face, and his skin flushed bright red. “Ohhhhhh, oh my god!!!!” Bob covered his face with his side of the blanket. “I’m so stupid!!!” John laughed at Bob’s embarrassment. Bob peeked out of the blanket, laughing too.
“Well..” John managed after his laughter died down, “penny for your thoughts?”
Bob sighed. “Obviously I like you too, Walker. I think everyone else in the tower knows that already. I don’t exactly do a good job at hiding it.”
John rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well, we have Yelena’s approval, and everyone else’s, apparently.”
Bob raised an eyebrow in confusion, but John dismissed him. “So. Does this mean…” Bob asked, not having to finish the question.
“…I guess so. If you want.” John replied, after some thought.
Bob smiled at John, who looked at him admiringly. “I do. I’d like that very much.” John smiled back, hardly able to contain it.
“We make a pretty good team. Fucked in the head, sure, but good.” John muttered, leaning his hand on the ground next to Bob, between them.
“I swear, once we get into therapy, we’ll be unstoppable.” Bob teased, leaning his hand onto the ground next to John’s. The pair’s pinkies found each other, intertwining with a gentle force, sparks almost emanating from them. Bob scooted closer to John, laying his head on the blonde man’s shoulder. “Is this okay?” John hesitated, tensing at the contact. But it felt nice. He nodded.
As the two smiled, they looked out onto the illuminated cityscape. This was their home, now. They were being trusted to protect these people. And damn if they knew how to protect themselves. But they were the best chance they had. Not only for the city, but for themselves.