Archive of Our Own

Kenma's phone dinged the familiar sound of a text notification. He ignored it and continued editing his new video. A few seconds went by, and then his phone went off repeatedly. Annoyed, he lazily reaches over to check who's bothering him. Lots of texts from his friend Shoyo telling him to go and watch the stars tonight like everyone else was. Apparently, there'd be a show of shooting stars tonight, and many people were driving to mountain tops and cliffsides to watch it. Kenma was going to say no, he really was. But he paused his actions when he saw Shoyo saying he'd buy him the new video game he's been wanting.

It took Kenma less than 5 minutes to get done, grab his stuff, and get in his car to drive. He didn't bother changing out of his black sweatpants and dark gray hoodie. It was going to be cold tonight anyway, why should he change? He drove for probably thirty five minutes before he finally arrived at a quiet mountain side. Kenma forgot that mountains aren't flat and that he'd have to hike up for a bit.

He groaned, looking down at his designer slides. He would've chosen his sneakers had he remembered, he was just so excited at the mention of his new interest. Whatever, he stuffed his hands into his hoodies pockets and began walking. It wasn't a steep hike, and wasn't that hard either. But for someone who didn't enjoy being athletic and active, Kenma wasn't having fun. The night wasn't too dark, but it was chilly and quiet. He was honestly shocked there weren't more people.

The mountain side he had gone to was named Lover's spot. A corny, cringey, name that some fool probably giggled over when choosing it. For such a cliché name, the place wasn't all that popular. Kenma just told his GPS to choose a quiet mountain side and went with the first one that popped up. Not that smart honestly, but at least luck was in his favor and the hike didn't take too long.

The wind blew through his black hair with the ends still dyed blonde from high school, he should get it cut sometime. Or should he dye it blonde again? Maybe he could get highlights or something, he'd decide once he was off the damn mountain.

Kenma was already out of breath by the time he finished his the short hike and made it to the top, a con of not being active regularly. He grinned softly, suddenly remembering how he was like this as a kid too. The only difference was that back then, Kenma had someone who constantly bugged him to play volleyball with him, and then eventually Kenma joined the team.

How was Kuroo anyway? He hadn't heard of or spoken to him in a really long time. They didn't have a falling out or anything, time is just a cruel thing that sometimes causes rifts between people's relationships. Kenma barely reached out first, and Kuroo just got busier with college and then eventually, with his job. Maybe if Kenma had made an effort to reach out the way Kuroo did, they'd still talk sometimes? Kenma always felt guilty whenever he thought about it.

There was a million ways there friendship could've ended, or continued, and unfortunately this was how it ended. No goodbyes, no nothing. Just eventual silence, completely, forever.

Kenma's head would turn whenever a stranger walked past, wearing the same cologne Kuroo always wore. He would stare continuously whenever he saw someone with a similar haircut in the same black hair as Kuroo's, with the small hope it might be him. It never was. Tokyo was such a big city, so big that Kenma had not run into Kuroo once in the past four years. People were always talking about how the world is such a small place, but if it truly was, did that mean the world was just not on his side?

Was this what he gets for being a piece of shit in the past and not reaching out? If he had only just sent a simple "hey", would he still at least see Kuroo waving from across the street as he goes to work? Fuck, nostalgia was so fucking evil. Kenma felt sick all of a sudden, a pool of guilt in his stomach.

He looked around at the empty mountain, debating whether or not he should go home. He never went to places like this. But really looking at it now, it wasn't so bad. He liked the calmness and how quiet it was, and he'd already drove more than half an hour. Maybe, this time he'd sit and watch the night sky. It was supposed to be extra beautiful tonight anyway, with the whole shooting stars show.

Kenma walked around for a short bit, before deciding to sit a little to the side on a rock that was strangely shaped like a turtle. The air was cold, he could feel his hands turning cold too. He stuffed them deeper into his pocket, and lowered his head deeper into the collar of his hoodie.

When was the show supposed to start anyway? He forgot to check. Normally, Kenma would have his nintendo out or his phone to play some game to entertain himself, but this time he didn't. He sat there, in the dark and stared at the sky. For some reason he didn't know, he couldn't figure out, he felt extremely nostalgic tonight.

Perhaps it was the way the wind ran through his hair the same way Kuroo's hand used to. Or the way the dark sky was similar to Kuroo's pitch black hair. Or maybe it was the fact that he always, always watched the stars with Kuroo as a kid, and even as a teenager. Adulthood was hard. It was lonely sometimes, it was complicated and made you feel like shit.

You were constantly reminded of what a shitty piece of trash you used to be as a teenager, of how you treated those closest to you. Yet you couldn't even do anything to erase it. It wasn't as if you could go back in time to warn yourself to change before it was too late. People say you live and you learn from your mistakes, but they never tell you how to deal with the guilt. Guilt ate away at Kenma like a starving tiger eating a gazelle, it didn't stop until all that was left of him was a lonesome skeleton in a pool of blood.

Kenma grew apart from Kuroo and grew closer to Shoyo. He wasn't quite sure how that happened. Sometimes, when it's late at night and he's hanging out with Shoyo, he tries to see Kuroo in Shoyo. He never, ever, does. He physically can't. He hasn't met anyone who was like Kuroo, anyone who was like his first best friend. It must be true when people say nothing can ever top your first, no matter what the context is.

It wasn't easy to move on from a friendship that lasted your entire life, even if Kenma was the type of person who wasn't really expressive with his emotions. He didn't always think about Kuroo like this, just on quiet empty nights that he'd usually spend playing video games while Kuroo talks about their next volleyball match. Staying up late as a teenager and just listening as Kuroo talked endlessly, he always had something to say to fill the silence. But it wasn't like there was ever an awkward silence between the two of them.

Kuroo just understood him, always. Better than anyone else ever could, and always did when everyone else misunderstood. Kenma just got used to always having someone for him, that when he lost Kuroo, it hit him hard. And he didn't even realize it until he literally lost a lot of weight, so used to Kuroo being the one to remind him to eat on time. It sounds silly, he's aware. But it wasn't like he was codependent on Kuroo, he was his best friend, Kuroo knew Kenma all too well.

He sighed a familiar sigh he always does when he thinks of Kuroo on late nights. A sigh of regret, guilt, nostalgia. All of it mixed into one feeling, shame. He felt ashamed. He had Kuroo's number still and he could reach out whenever he wanted to, but he never did. It's been years, Kuroo probably moved on already. That's what Kenma likes to tell himself so he'll stop feeling like a coward who can't face his feelings head on. He knows Kuroo would reply, would say ask something like how Kenma's life had been, yet Kenma still didn't reach out.

In the cold dark night, Kenma sat there with a little hope in his heart. That somewhere in the coldness of Tokyo, Kuroo was sat under the same sky, watching the same stars. And maybe, he'd think of Kenma too. Maybe he'd see the shine of the moon and think of how they spent their nights as kids laughing and being dumb, maybe he'd see a caterpillar and remember how much Kenma hates bugs. Maybe he'd see Kenma in the little things, the same way Kenma saw him in them.

It's been a while, probably around ten minutes. The show still had not yet started, Kenma was getting increasingly colder. He looked around, trying to see if there was anyone else on the cold mountain, or if it was just his lonesome self. In the darkness, shrouded in shadows from the trees, Kenma's eyes stopped. He saw something, something he could recognize anywhere. That black spiky hair that belonged to his once best friend. Was it him? It probably wasn't, Kenma had been in this situation before.

But that didn't keep him still, he stood up and slowly made his way over. He took small, slow steps. Afraid that if he rushed into it, he'd lose Kuroo in the blink of an eye, again. He could only see the person's back, as they sat leaned against their arms with their legs dangling off the mountain. Were they not getting cold? He walked silently until he was just a few steps away.

Close enough to the point he could smell their cologne. The very same cologne Kuroo always wore. Kenma's heart was beating incredibly fast. His hands were slightly shaking in his hoodie pockets, his face an expression of fear, of nervousness.

He mustered up all the bravery he possibly could, and in a soft, barely audible voice, called out. "Kuroo?"

The strangers head turned almost immediately. Kenma knew, this was him. As the man turned around, his eyes widened at the sight before him. Kenma's breathing quickened. "Kuroo." He repeated, this time more sure.

"Kenma?" Kuroo called out, his face in shock. He didn't stand up, he stayed seated.

Kenma stared at him, and then he did something he'd never done before. He walked closer, kneeled down, and embraced Kuroo in a hug. The kind of hug you give to your sibling when they're going away for college, the kind of hug you give your girlfriend when she's facing something impossible, the bone shattering hug that at the same time carried all your love and worries in it. The kind of hug that so loudly said, "I'm here."

Kuroo stiffened up. It took him a few seconds to process what was actually happening before he returned the hug, not as strong as Kenma did. "What's this?" He jokingly asked. "I don't remember the Kenma I knew ever giving out hugs."

Kenma let go, though he didn't entirely want to. He wasn't sure what to say, what would even be acceptable to say. So he did what he's been wanting to do for a long, long, time.

"I'm sorry."

An apology. An apology that was so simple but took everything in Kenma to say. His guilt weighed as much as the world sometimes, he had to do this.

"Kuroo, I'm sorry I didn't reach out." He repeated more clearly. "I'm sorry I didn't try. I'm sorry I didn't make an effort, not the way you always did. I'm sorry things ended so abruptly between us."

Kuroo stared at him, his eyes slightly wide. He honestly didn't know what to say in response to the man in front of him. Had Kenma been thinking of him all this time?

He didn't know how to react, so he chuckled softly. "Sometimes, things just happen that way. It's fine, Kenma."

Kenma knew it wasn't fine, but he didn't know what else to say. What else to say to make Kuroo believe he should be angry. That he should yell and ask what the hell that was all about. So he stayed silent, like he always did.

"Can I sit with you?" Kenma asked.

"Go ahead." Kuroo gestured next to him.

It was quiet between them. And not the quietness that Kenma was used to when with Kuroo. This time, it was awkward. That's never happened before.

"Are you here to watch the stars?" Kenma asked, his head turning towards Kuroo.

"Uh," Kuroo clears his throat. "Yeah, I am. You?"

"Same here."

Kenma wouldn't say it out loud, of course. But Kuroo had gotten thinner, noticeably so. Was he stressed out?

"So.... How's err, work?" Kenma awkwardly asked.

Kuroo couldn't help it, he burst into a fit of laughter. Kenma just stared awkwardly at him as he laughed.

"I'm sorry," He said, still laughing. "It's just, the Kenma I knew never talked this much. Are you sure you're him?"

Kenma felt himself smiling along with his once friend. "Maybe, maybe not. Are you gonna answer my question?" He joked.

Kuroo kept his usual cattish grin. "It's....fine, I guess. I've been on leave for a while now, though."

"Must be nice. Vacation?"

"Yeah. Something like that."

Kuroo's head turned back to the sky above them. "Remember how we used to do this as kids?"

"Yeah, all the time. You would point to random stars and insist it was the Big Dipper, even when it wasn't." Kenma said laughing slightly.

"Oh yeah? Well what about how you got so addicted to video games you thought the stars were rocks your character needed to jump on?" Kuroo challenged back.

Both of them snickered at the telling of their silly childhood days, playfully attacking each other as they did so.

Kuroo smiled sadly. He couldn't help it. He said it was fine, but there was still one question that plagued his mind. It was begging, urging Kuroo to ask it. He couldn't stop himself, his mouth spoke before his brain could realize.

"Why'd you stop?"

Kenma's head turned. "Sorry?"

"Kenma, Why'd you stop making an effort? Why did I see you less and less as time went on? Why would I only hear news about you through mutual friends, when I used to be the one who knew everything about you. Hell, I'm so shocked to see you actually talking so much. I feel like shit, I'm sorry." Kuroo confessed. He didn't want to say this, he didn't want to put Kenma on the spot and scare him away with his feelings that he knows Kenma won't be able to understand. But he couldn't help it, just this once, he chose to be selfish.

Kenma's throat felt like it was closing in on itself. "I..." He spoke, dumbfounded. "I think I took you for granted."

Kuroo's eyes widened. He didn't expect Kenma to reply and be honest about his feelings, something he always struggled with.

"I guess I got so used to having you in my life that I didn't think we'd ever... Y'know, drift apart. I guess I was selfish and expected you to just be there." He sighed. "Kuroo, I'm sorry. I really, really, am."

Kuroo felt his eyes sting with tears. He was glad the night was dark so that he wouldn't embarrass himself in front of Kenma by crying like a little boy. He didn't say anything, he couldn't. He just sat there in silence and stared at the sky, hoping Kenma would be the one who understood this time.

Kuroo didn't want to spend the rest of his life without making up with his best friend, but this was really hard for him. Behind all the sadness, nostalgia, and fear, Kuroo felt proud. This was the first time Kenma had ever openly and willingly communicated to him about something as troubling as his feelings. The first time Kenma didn't turn away from it. He'd changed so much in the time they'd spent apart, it was good for him.

"It all happened a long time ago, it's alright, Kenma." He finally spoke after minutes. "Really, this time it's alright." He was honest, he chose to forgive Kenma this time rather than spend the rest of his time in anger and yearning.

Kenma stared at him, unsure of whether to believe him and leave it, or apologize once more. He opened his mouth to speak, but Kuroo beat him to it.

"So what's been keeping you busy all these years?"

"Oh." Kenma sounded surprised. "I've uh, gone into social media. I have my own channel, and I make videos and stuff, I don't know if you've heard of me."

"I haven't, what's your name?" Kuroo asked. He was lying, he knew what Kenma had been doing. He knew that he had gotten relatively famous. He knew the name of his channel. He knew it all, just like he always did.

"Kodzuken." Kenma said. He wasn't sure why, but it felt a little embarrassing to admit this out loud to Kuroo. What if he laughed?

"Really? That's so cool." He grinned. "Just combined your name? Real cute."

Kenma snickered. "Yeah, figured it was better than having applepi as my name."

"Oh my God!" Kuroo exclaimed. "I fucking forgot about that! You still like apple pie, right?"

"Duh. It'd be a crime if I didn't."

"You still play volleyball?" Kenma asked, directing the spotlight back onto Kuroo.

He saw him freeze up. He was confused, but didn't say anything. Kuroo just softly chuckled. "No, no I'm uh... It's not right for me anymore."

Huh?

"Oh. Why not? If you say you don't enjoy being active anymore I'll push you off this mountain for being a hypocrite." Kenma joked.

Kuroo laughed, but his smile didn't fully reach his eyes, and his laugh seemed kind of empty. "No, that's not it. I've just been... occupied. With other things."

Kuroo seemed like he was hiding something, but Kenma couldn't figure out what. And he didn't think he was in any position to ask about it. So as he always did, he stayed quiet and didn't comment on it.

"Really? That must suck." Kenma said, adjusting his position so he now sits cross legged but with his feet touching, his hand still in his pockets.

"Yeah, it does." He said, his eyes holding a certain sadness in them. "Any idea when the shows starting?"

"Not a clue, I forgot to check."

"Shit, me too."

So both of them had amnesia, it seemed. Kuroo started chuckling, and soon Kenma did too. It wasn't even funny, but they laughed anyways.

Between his laughter, Kuroo opened his eyes and stared at the man next to him. Kenma's hair was loose. It was longer than he remembered, it laid kissing the ends of his neck. As the moonlight shined onto everything below it, including the two of them, Kenma looked ethereal. His skin glowed with the light of the moon, his laughter echoing in the silence, his smile so genuine it pulled at Kuroo's heartstrings. This was how it was supposed to be between them. Not awkward and silent.

As Kuroo watched him laugh, the sky suddenly brightened. Multiple shooting stars flew past, illuminating the sky as they did. Both of them stopped laughing, their focus on the beauty in front of them. As the stars flew past with no care in the world, dazzling and enchantingly, mesmerizing all those who witnessed them, Kuroo stared at something else.

"Fuck, it's so beautiful." Kenma said, staring in utter admiration.

"Yeah, it truly is." Kuroo said, his eyes staring at the beauty beside him, his once best friend, Kenma. But Kenma wouldn't know, he never noticed. He never noticed the way Kuroo treated him differently than everyone else. Or maybe he did, but he just chalked it up to them being best friends.

He didn't notice the longing stares Kuroo would send him from across the volleyball court, he didn't notice the way Kuroo laughed a little harder with him. He never noticed any of it. Even now, as they sit on the mountain and watch the beauty of the universe, Kenma didn't notice.

It lasted for just thirty seconds, before the sky slowly went back to it's original state. Kuroo could only ever have thirty seconds to admire what he never had, what he never will have. He watched out of the corner of his eye as Kenma smiled softly at the beauty he had just witnessed. The greatest things never lasted long.

"That was incredible." Kenma spoke again.

"Right? It was so pretty." Kuroo says, a somber smile on his face.

The two of them stayed out a little longer, talking and reminiscing about all their old memories together. Somewhere between it, Kenma scooted closer, and closer, until he sat shoulder to shoulder with Kuroo. Their body heat combined was enough to warm the both of them. But that wasn't all of it.

It was the way they laughed so hard there were tears in their eyes, the way they'd playfully throw a jab at the other, the way they spent a good few hours just acting like teenagers again. It was the way they sat enveloped in each others body heat, acting like their usual selves. It was the way it felt as though nothing had changed. That maybe, just maybe, things could go back to the way it used to be.

"Kuroo, let's meet up tomorrow yeah? We can go to the arcade. Or maybe go see a volleyball match, whatever you want." Kenma asks, a small grin on his face.

Kuroo looks surprised for a second, almost...guilty? "Oh. I don't think I'll be available tomorrow."

"Then next week."

"I.... I'm not sure I'll be able to make it." He hesitantly says.

"That's fine. Wanna just call tomorrow then? For a little bit even, just to say hi or something." Kenma offered.

Kuroo gave in. "Okay, yeah. Let's do that. Do you need my number?"

"Nope. I've still got it." Kenma says, waving his phone around. "I'll call you tomorrow at around 2, okay? You better answer."

Kuroo chuckles. "You got it, Captain."

Kenma stretches his legs, and then stands up. Kuroo joins him. "It's been... wow. It's been almost five hours since I left. I've gotta get going. This was really nice, Kuroo. I'm excited to see you again tomorrow."

"Same here Kenma. It was great catching up with you." Kuroo honestly stated.

Kenma stared at him, unsure of what to do next.

Kuroo decided for him. He stepped towards him, and hugged him. This time it was he who initiated the hug. Kuroo's hug felt desperate, he held Kenma tight in his arms, and Kenma did the same. They stayed like that for a little bit until Kuroo regretfully let go of him.

"Bye, Kuroo." Kenma said with a genuine smile on his face. His hair blowing to the back because of the wind, yet he still looked incredibly mesmerizing.

"Goodbye, Kenma." Kuroo said, a small sad smile on his face. He watched as Kenma turned around and began walking back. Before he made it to the hiking trail, he turned around and waved for the last time. Kuroo stood there and watched the entire time as Kenma made his way down, making sure he safely got back to his car, and then drove off. He watched from a top the mountain as the bright lights ftom Kenma's fancy car brightened up the things surrounding it as he drove away.

And then, Kuroo walked back and sat down on the same spot he previously had. This time, it felt emptier without the presence of his best friend. The air felt colder again, Kuroo felt alone again. All of a sudden, all of his feelings that he ignored while he spent time with Kenma came crashing down, he felt like he couldn't breathe.

Guilt, fear, sadness, love.

Kuroo felt all of it at once. He tried to breathe in and out to calm himself, but all that came out was a pitiful sob, one of desperation and sorrow. He sounded so terrified, so shaken up he couldn't even feel the tears slip from his eyes and roll down his face. Fuck, he felt so ashamed. He felt so guilty.

The sad truth is that, there was something wrong with Kuroo. Something that happened to him during the years he spent away from Kenma, or maybe it was always there and just got worse as he got older. It was something Kuroo couldn't bring himself to tell Kenma.

Kuroo was dying. He was slowly rotting from the inside, his own body against him. How funny the world was to give him his best friend, his first love back only when was ready to give it all up. Kuroo's heart wasn't okay, at all.

His grandfather had heart failure, and he succumbed to it and died. A few of his cousins, his Aunt, and even his own Father all had it too. Some of them didn't make it. Kuroo didn't notice he had it too until it was too late. He noticed something was wrong when he began to get very tired very easily when doing things he normally could do so easily. Volleyball required so much more effort, even just walking around took a lot out of him some days. It was tough, incredibly tough. And Kuroo wasn't strong enough to deal with it.

He barely had any energy these days. Hell, it took so much out of him just to converse with Kenma, just to stand up and see him off. He didn't want to keep living like this, keep living as an empty shell of the person he once used to be. It was so fucking heart wrenching, he hated every single second of it.

Kuroo didn't have the energy to continue living on. He didn't have the energy to get surgery, to make an effort to save himself. He was so tired, all he wanted to do was just.. sleep. He thought about it for months. So many months of his own body against him, so painful that the only solution that seemed fit for him was to end everything.

But after spending all those joyful hours with Kenma, his first everything? He didn't know anymore. All those months of thinking it over being overtaken by a few hours spent with a boy he used to love, a man he still loves. Love was so evil sometimes, especially to people like Kuroo who couldn't ever love the way they wanted to. Forever and always, it was impossible for him to love that long. He couldn't even live that long.

Kuroo couldn't take it anymore. He broke down crying, his chest heaved up and down with so much struggle but he just couldn't stop himself from sobbing. The cold night air blew onto his face, making his tears feel cold as he sobbed out at the sky. Life was unfair, it was so fucking unfair.

It felt like the world was taunting Kuroo. First it took Kenma away from him, then it gave him back when Kuroo had no will to even go on anymore. What a fucking joke this was.

Kuroo sat on the cold mountain top, his body shaking from his endless cries, feeling so utterly hopeless. How could he even go on? How would Kenma feel if he knew Kuroo was slowly dying? If he knew Kuroo planned to kill himself this very night?

Kuroo was a liar. He didn't come out here to watch the stars the same way Kenma did. He came here to the quiet mountain of Lover's spot to end his miserable painful life. He wasn't going to tell anyone, he was just going to disappear. It seemed selfish, he knew it, but he couldn't do this anymore. He couldn't keep living seeing the sadness in his mother's eyes as she stared at her though fully grown, baby boy. He couldn't keep living hearing his father silently curse and blame himself for passing the curse down onto Kuroo, even though it wasn't his fault. This wasn't anyone's fault, maybe Kuroo was just unlucky.

He didn't take off from work for vacation like Kenma had assumed, he took off because he had no energy to even leave his bed sometimes. It felt dehumanizing, being alive, but not alive. He felt like a useless piece of flesh, and he hated the feeling.

Kuroo was getting ready to end it all, to take the final jump, until he heard his name being called. He almost didn't recognize the voice, it was so much more matured, but it still carried that same tone of nervousness he always heard in Kenma. And when he turned around and saw him, he almost cried. He felt so guilty, what if Kenma had seen him?

Kuroo cried until his eyes were puffy, his throat sore from his continous sobbing. He couldn't take it. He couldn't deal with all this pain anymore. His chest hurt so bad he started coughing. What was wrong with him? He coughed so much he could taste blood in his mouth, when did it get this bad? Was this all there was for him? Pain?

He took his phone out. He had one final thing to say.

No one was around when Kuroo finally stopped crying, cursed the universe, and took the jump. In his final, dying breath, he whispered one thing.

"I'm sorry, Kenma."

When Kenma went to bed that night, he got this random feeling of despair in his stomach. He had chills on his body, but he didn't know why. Was he getting cold? His heater was on though. He couldn't figure out why he had such a bad feeling. Whatever, he'd talk about it tomorrow to Kuroo. He'd feel better then. Kenma smiled softly to himself, and eventually dozed off.

When he awoke in the morning, it was way earlier than he usually got up. The morning air was fresh and cold, and the sunlight weakly shined through his window, hitting his face. He felt so comfortable in his soft warm bed, he almost didn't want to get up. But he did anyway, albeit very slowly and lazily. He still had to finish editing his new video today, and he still had to call Kuroo. He slowly made his way into his bathroom, washing his face and brushing his teeth to get rid of that horrid morning breath. He changed into something different, a plain black T-shirt and black sweatpants.

He remembered how Shoyo had said he'd buy him that new video game. Eagerly, he opened his text messages to remind his ginger haired friend. To his surprise, Kenma saw a message from Kuroo. He smiled to himself. The man really couldn't wait, could he?

He clicked on Kuroo's contact, opening his chat.

Kuroo 🐈‍⬛

Hey, Ken-cat. It was great talking to you last night. I'd love to thank you for everything you've done for me in our many years spent together. I'm sorry I can't say it to your face, and that I'm hiding behind a screen like this. But the truth is, I'm dying. I'm not healthy, Kenma.

That was all Kenma read before he ran out the door at full speed. He called Kuroo's number so many times, and each time it didn't go through. He didn't pick up. He raced to his car, starting it up and driving so incredibly fast. He had to get to Lover's spot. He'd get there and Kuroo would still be there, Kuroo would still be okay. Everything was okay.

When he drove to Lover's spot yesterday, it took him thirty five minutes. This time, it took him ten. Just ten minutes. He was so fucking paranoid, so full of fear the entire time. He arrived and didn't even take any care to park properly.

The first thing he saw was an ambulance and multiple police cars.

Fuck.

Kenma ran. He ran so fast his legs burned, but he didn't stop. He ran faster than he ever had before, up that hiking trail and to the place he sat with Kuroo. It was fine, it was okay. He'd go up there and see Kuroo and he'd explain how it was all a misunderstanding. Fuck, it better be a fucking misunderstanding.

Kenma made it to the top in less than thirty seconds. Out of breath and looking like he had just run a marathon, he scanned the place. A few police officers walking around, talking to some people he didn't recognize. He saw paramedics making their way to the top, their faces full of regret. Kenma wasn't a religious man, but for the first time in his life, he prayed.

Please, God. Please tell me he's safe. Please keep him safe, please don't take him away from me.

Kenma rushed over, he pushed past the police that tried to hold him out. He stared at the body on the gurney, Kuroo. His Kuroo laid still on that gurney, blood staining the same clothes he had on last night. His eyes were closed, Kenma couldn't see his chest rising. No, no, this couldn't be it. This wasn't it, right? This wasn't it.

"Kuroo? Kuroo, what's going on?" He asked walking beside the gurney. His voice was trembling, his hands shaking as he stared at the unresponsive body in front of him.

"Sir, please step away from the body."

"Wake up, Kuroo. Wake up! Tell me you're fucking joking!" His voice was desperate, his eyes stinging as he didn't even try to stop his tears.

"Sir! Please step away from the body!"

Kenma didn't notice the police officers holding him back, he only saw Kuroo being taken further and further away from him. Again. He couldn't lost him, not again. Not when he just got him back.

"Please, he's my best friend! I-I have to be with him!" He pleaded desperately with the officers.

"Sir, you can see him at the hospital. You can't board the ambulance with him if you're not immediate family."

"I've known him my entire fucking life! Don't give me that bullshit!" Kenma yelled.

He felt so fucking ill, he felt like throwing up. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening.

Kenma pleaded with the officers, but they didn't budge. He gave up and sprinted back to his own car, following the ambulances every move. It's fine, it's okay. Kuroo would get treated and he'd be okay, they would save him. It's okay.

He didn't feel the tears running down his face endlessly, he barely even blinked. His hands were shaking as he gripped the steering wheel and sped up even more. They didn't take long to arrive at a hospital. Kenma wasted no time in running towards the ambulance, trailing right behind as they rushed him into the hospital. He couldn't hear anything, his eyes were a blur. His body was running on adrenaline, the only thing he could focus on was the silent body he was following. Kuroo would be okay, right? He wouldn't lose him again, right?

He watched motionless as a doctor performed CPR, then they tried the defibrillator, and CPR again. Nothing worked. Nothing fucking worked. They had to pry the young doctor off of Kuroo's still, bloodied, body. Kenma felt like he'd throw up. What was going on? What was going on, Kuroo?

"I'm so sorry." A nurse approached Kenma. "He was dead before he got here."

Oh.

Oh.

What?

Did he hear that right? Did she just say he was dead?

"W-... what?" Kenma barely manged to say.

"He... passed on, many hours before he was found. It was suicide, I'm so sorry."

What was going on? Was he dreaming?

Kenma didn't feel it when he stumbled back a bit, he didn't feel the tears fall out of his eyes. He didn't hear the nurse yelling to ask if he was okay. He couldn't process any of it.

Kuroo was dead? But he just saw him last night. He hugged him last night, he said goodbye with him he saw Kuroo smile and laugh. Suicide?

This wasn't happening. This was not happening. Kenma's head was spinning. He didn't notice how he was being led away to sit down on a seat by that same nurse. He didn't notice the very same young doctor who performed CPR approach him and embrace him in a hug, so ashamed and regretful that he couldn't save his patient.

He didn't notice any of it, Kenma never noticed it. Even with Kuroo, he never noticed it.

As he was driven back home by an uber called for him by one of the nurses, he thinks it all over.

There were signs. Kuroo gave some signs and Kenma didn't notice it.

He walks out of the Uber and into his house that he didn't even bother to lock. Fuck, he was going to throw up. There were signs there were so many signs.

Kuroo's smile didn't reach his eyes. He had lost so much weight. He said he couldn't meet up with Kenma the next day or even the next week, he was planning this. He seemed to be hiding something and this was it. And what hurt the fucking most was that if Kenma had just said something, if for once in his life he said something instead of leaving it like a coward, Kuroo might still have been here.

Kuroo might not have taken his own life. If Kenma had just said something. He saw him acting differently but he thought time had changed the man, how fucking stupid he was. Kuroo would never change that way, even if they hadn't spoken for so many years. Why didn't he notice? Why didn't he pick up on the signs. Fuck, he felt so ill.

His eyes hurt so much from his crying but he couldn't stop, he felt so guilty. How would he ever face Kuroo's parents? How would he face his mother, look her in the eyes, and tell her that this could've been avoided if he had just said something? He couldn't, he wouldn't. It would crush her poor heart.

Fuck, did his parents even know? They had to, right? Kuroo probably had them as his emergency contacts. Just to make sure though, he pulled out his phone again. But instead, he saw something else.

(3) missed call from Kuroo 🐈‍⬛

7:38am

Oh.

Oh my god.

Kuroo had Kenma as his emergency contact.

Fuck.

He stumbled back onto his couch, his eyes wide open with shock and guilt. After all these years, after all those days of silence, Kuroo still had Kenma in his emergency contacts. Oh, fuck.

Kenma didn't speak to anyone for the next few weeks. Even as he got messages from Shoyo, from his other friends, from his manager, he didn't say anything. He felt like shit. He barely ate at all, losing a bit of weight as time went on. He couldn't sleep anymore, he began to hate the night, something he once really loved.

He hated the darkness, he hated the night, it reminded him of Kuroo. His health had gotten worse. With the lack of sunlight, food, and sleep, Kenma looked rough. His eyes were always red from his crying, deep eyebags laid under his eyes as well. He didn't feel anything besides guilt.

Kuroo's funeral was today. He planned to attend, he had to. He had to see Kuroo's parents, he had to apologize.

He showered, tied his hair neatly into a bun, and wore a lovely black suit. He cried on the drive over, having to pull over to collect himself before continuing.

When he arrived, his heart dropped down to his stomach. Everyone that meant something to Kuroo was there. Koutarou was there with Akaashi and Tsukishima, Kuroo's older sister was there, some of his high school friends were there, including the entirety of Nekoma's high school team that Kuroo played on, even their coach. All of the people that Kuroo had loved and laughed with, were there to mourn his passing.

The funeral was magnificent. The flowers were magnificent, and his parents gave a beautiful speech. Kenma sat and waited, he listened as all of Kuroo's friends said their speeches. He watched with tear filled eyes as Koutarou broke down crying in the middle of his speech, he could barely finish it.

And then finally, it was Kenma's turn. His legs felt like jelly as he walked up to the stand, he felt useless as he looked up at all the people watching, he felt guilty.

"My name is Kenma." He began, his voice already trembling. "And I'm-" He paused. "I was Kuroo's best friend. To me, he was someone I could never be. He was much more sociable and easier to talk to, so I didn't understand why he made an effort to talk to me when we were kids. Kuroo needed someone to play volleyball with when he was little, and he chose me. That was how we became friends.

Kuroo was someone I always knew was special. In other aspects, and to me. He was special to me. He was patient with me when I struggled to open up, he was always patient. He understood me when no one else did, but I never got the chance to thank him for it. Kuroo was my first friend, the first person I've ever gotten so close to, and I wouldn't change that for anything in this world. I've spent my entire life being his friend, and I would do it again if given the chance. Because being Kuroo Tetsurous best friend, nothing could compare to it.

I've met a countless amount of people in my life, but none have ever struck me the way Kuroo has. No one has ever made me feel the way Kuroo did, and no one ever will. Kuroo was smart. He was strong, talented, and he was kind. He adored cats and often talked about owning one as a pet. He was funny, and enjoyed making science jokes that I never laughed at, but I wish I did. He loved volleyball, he introduced me to it and we played together for almost ten years, two years together on a team.

I've had the greatest privilege of being the best friend to the most amazing person I've ever known, and I'm incredibly lucky to have loved him and been loved by him. Tetsurou was more than just a man. He was a beloved son, a younger brother, a friend, a mentor, and to me, he was everything."

Kenma almost broke down crying the same way Koutarou did, but he stopped himself. He couldn't do this. He didn't hear what the others said as they went up to say their own speeches, he just sat there motionless in his seat as he let his thoughts consume him.

After a few hours there, he found Kuroo's parents. His mother had tears in her eyes, his father sniffling and blinking rapidly to stop himself from crying.

"Auntie, Uncle?" He nervously called out. He remembers the first time he met them as a little boy hiding behind Kuroo as he introduced him to his parents.

"Kenma." His father called out.

Fuck. How would he even say this.

"I... met with Tetsurou the night he....um. And I just," His hands were shaking, he felt like he could throw up. "I-I'm sorry. I said we should meet up again but he said he wouldn't be available so I offered to just call him instead but he-" Kenma could barely even speak. "I'm so sorry. I didn-"

Kuroo's mother cut him off by hugging Kenma. She held him so tightly as she cried. "It's not your fault, okay? It's not your fault, Kenma."

Oh.

Kenma's eyes watered, and the tears fell down faster than he could even process. He wasn't supposed to cry like this, but as he hugs Kuroo's mother back, and sees his father begin to cry too, he can't help it. He cries in her arms. He sobs, he cries like a child and he can't stop. He feels Kuroo's father place a comforting hand on his shoulder, as his mother rubs his back.

Their son had just died, and they were comforting someone else's son. How endless was their love? This was where Kuroo got it from.

"He wouldn't have wanted you to blame yourself sweetheart, I can promise you that." His mother spoke between cries. "You meant the world to Tetsurou, I know that much." She hugged him tighter, he was the closest thing she had to a son now.

Kenma couldn't say anything, he tried to, but it just came out as a horrible sad sob. He cried like a little boy in the arms of his best friend's mother.

After Kenma had finally calmed down, and Kuroo's parents had arranged a meet up with him on another day, the funeral ended. And Kenma drove back home.

He laid in his bed, and for the first time in weeks, he got a full night of sleep. He had to, tomorrow he would go and see his grave for the first time.

The night was far too long for Kenma's liking, but eventually it ended, and the morning came. He wasted no time in preparing himself appropriately. This time, he left his hair loose. Kuroo liked it like that.

When Kenma arrived at the graveyard, it was empty. Was he the first one there?

He walked over in his black suit, making his way towards the one that said Tetsurou Kuroo. He found it, and sat down.

He sat in silence for a few minutes. On his wrist, he wore the matching friendship bracelet he won at the arcade with Kuroo during middle school, something he kept all these years.

"I want to say I hate you, but I can't even bring myself to lie about that." Kenma says, finally finding the words.

"I'm angry, Kuroo. You gave me signs, were you asking me to help you? I didn't notice, I'm sorry. You were right when you called me oblivious back in highschool." He says, a somber smile on his face as he continues.

"I don't have anything else to say, I can't bring myself to say anything. How am I supposed to go on without my best friend in my life? At least when we were apart, I knew you were somewhere under the skies of Tokyo. Now you're not, now I'll never see you again. I'm sorry I couldn't stop you, I really am.

Your mother told me I should come over for lunch next week, she's still so unbelievably patient and kind with me, she always has been. Is that where you got it from? Your patience and understanding? You knew me better than anyone, and now you're gone. How am I supposed to feel about that, Kuroo?

You said you wanted to move in together when we were kids, now we can never do that. Don't you feel bad about lying to me? You told me you were doing well. But maybe the blames on me for not noticing. I'm sorry.

I've said all that I wanted to say, anything more will make me start crying again. I don't think I'm ever going to move on from this, from you. You meant more to me than anything and anyone else, and that will never change. I love you, Tetsurou. I'm sorry for everything." Kenma couldn't even bring himself to stare at Kuroo's name as he spoke, and he couldn't say a goodbye as he walked away.

But as he exited the graveyard, as the sky darkened and he felt small droplets of water fall from the sky, he heard something. Something barely audible, but just enough so he could hear it. To his far left.

Meow

What?

Kenma stopped in his tracks. He heard it again. And as he walked closer to make sure he wasn't going crazy, he saw something. A cat. A cat with black spiky fur. He felt his heart beat quicken. Kuroo always wanted a cat, but he never got around to getting himself one. He always played with the stray cats he saw on the street, and he talked about getting a shared cat with Kenma.

Kenma's eyes began to sting again. This time, he didn't hesitate. He extended his hand for the cat to examine, and when it showed it was comfortable, Kenma picked it up in his arms. He walked over to his car and placed the cat in his backseat. This would be for Kuroo, he told himself.

The rain poured down as Kenma drove home, the occasional "Meow" from his backseat. It was the middle of winter, so this weather was to be expected, but it felt like salt in a wound. Gloomy weather when Kenma already wasn't doing well? His life had been so shitty recently.

Kenma arrived home and carefully took the cat out, cautious not to alarm it. He took his shoes off and gently placed the cat down on his floors once inside, allowing it to roam around and explore. He'd have to start preparing the vet visits to make sure the cat was healthy, he wouldn't want to lose someone else.

Kenma sat down on his couch, feeling empty. He decided he'd call the cat mackerel. It was a stupid name, he knew that. But, Kuroo's favorite food was Grilled salted mackerel. And he wouldn't name the cat directly after Kuroo, it didn't feel right to him.

He took out his phone, seeing all the messages from those in his contacts, but he didn't answer them. He went to the one contact he'd been opening multiple times everyday for the past few weeks. He clicked on it, and opened it.

Kuroo 🐈‍⬛

Hey, Ken-cat. It was great talking to you last night. I'd love to thank you for everything you've done for me in our many years spent together. I'm sorry I can't say it to your face, and that I'm hiding behind a screen like this. But the truth is, I'm dying. I'm not healthy, Kenma. I've been sick for a while now, it's in my family, it's unavoidable. I don't have much energy to go on, and I've made my peace with parting, but I'm sorry to do this to you. Honestly, I like you, Kenma. I have since highschool. Even when I saw you curse at volleyball during our matches, or when you yelled at me for taking away your games, I liked you. You mean the world to me, more than the world. And I hope that overtime, you'll find it in your heart to forgive me for being selfish. I'm proud of who you became as a person, I'm proud to have called you my best friend. I hope you know how terribly sorry I am to cause you all this pain and stress, but I just want you to know my true feelings. I love you, Kenma. I always have, I always will. Even when I'm buried, my bones will remember your smile. And when the earth takes my body back, it too, will feel the love I felt for you. With all my love for the final time, goodbye Kenma.