Archive of Our Own

He didn’t believe it- no, he couldn’t believe what he had been told. There was just no way it could be true.

”Ritsu, according to the symptoms you describe... have you ever heard of Asperger’s Syndrome?”

”Ah... no, it doesn’t sound familiar.”

”Asperger’s is a specific syndrome on the autism spectrum-“

”A-autism?”

”Yes. You know what that is, don’t you?”

”...I think so.”

”Let me get you a list of symptoms- here, I’ll just print this page out- you read it over and let me know if anything sounds familiar, okay?”

He did. He read the list he was given.

He read the list, and every single trait described him perfectly, down to the smallest details. It was like reading his own biography.

He couldn’t answer the doctor’s questions after that. As soon as he finished, he was overwhelmed with emotion, and broke down crying in the office. They watched him silently, a sympathetic look on their face as he wept.

He still couldn’t believe it, and yet every internet search for the term “Asperger’s” or “autism” yielded the same results - confirming the doctor’s suspicions.

His parents hadn’t spoken to him about it since arriving home from the appointment. They had listened intently to the doctor, but Ritsu could tell that they held doubts, especially his mother. They probably didn’t believe it, either.

But Ritsu had been searching for an answer to his struggles, and this... this seemed like the perfect answer. His issues were explained. The nameless thing that had been crushing down on him for years was finally given a tangible form. He should be happy. He should be embracing this new development.

”So... what do I do? How do I- how do I get rid of it?”

”Well, there is no cure for autism, but there are many treatment options to cope with problematic symptoms.”

No cure. No cure. No cure.

If he were to accept that... he would be accepting the fact that there was no hope for him. He couldn’t get better.

All he could do was... cope?

In a sudden fit of anger, Ritsu slammed his fists on the surface of his desk, papers and pencils sent flying with a shockwave of psychic energy.

Why him? Why did he have to be different? What did he do to deserve this?!

He brought his fists down, again and again, jaw clenched so hard that his teeth were starting to ache.

Why was he made to suffer? Why? Why? Why?

Bitter tears fell from his eyes as he lost his strength, cradling his hands to his chest as he sank to the floor, a deep and heavy sorrow enveloping him.

He wasn’t strong enough. He knew that already. He wouldn’t be strong enough to cope with it for the rest of his life. He was doomed to waste away, to be left behind by his loved ones to rot as they went on to live long, happy, fulfilling lives. No cure. No cure. No cure.

He quickly clamped a hand over his mouth to stifle his sobs, not wanting for his brother to hear him.

Shigeo had been worried seeing his dreary expression on their return home, but so far had left him alone. He probably didn’t know what to say, and Ritsu couldn’t blame him for that- hell, he didn’t know what to say himself.

He was getting nowhere. Freaking out about the situation wasn’t helping anyone, least of all himself. He was probably making things out to be worse than they actually were; he hadn’t been given an actual diagnosis, only a suggestion based on an hour of conversation with a doctor he’d only just met. Sure, he didn’t have a degree or anything, but was it really accurate to assume he was autistic from a single meeting?

Maybe he could get a second opinion... but he really had no desire to talk to his family at the moment. Still, it had to be someone that was familiar enough with him to have an opinion.

In that case... there was only one person he was comfortable enough confiding in.

Hesitantly, he brought out his cellphone and opened up his contact list.

True to his word, he arrived in no more than ten minutes.

Ritsu felt his aura long before he heard the knock at his window. As he pulled the curtains aside, Shou greeted him with a big smile and a wave. Wordlessly, he opened the sliding door and let the boy inside, silently closing it behind him.

”So, what’s up? You need to get out for a while?” Shou asked right away, offering an escape from his daily stresses, as he had many times before.

Ritsu shook his head, heart racing in his chest. He took a seat at the edge of his bed, gesturing for Shou to sit next to him. “No, I’m fine. I just... wanted to ask you something?”

Shou’s posture shifted almost imperceptibly; his shoulders squared up, back straight, brows barely tilted upwards in concern at Ritsu’s serious tone of voice. His aura, bright and vivid like magma, drew in closer. “Uh, sure,” he answered slowly, taking his seat on the bed. “What is it? You’re all tense.”

Ritsu opened his mouth, and then paused. He hadn’t really thought about what he was going to say to Shou, or how he should say it. Sure, he trusted Shou enough to ask for his opinion, but he had no idea how knowledgeable his friend was on the subject. Would his opinion even matter, if he had no idea what the disorder was in the first place?

Well, he had gotten this far already. He might as well go all the way. “Shou, um... do you know what Asperger’s Syndrome is?” he asked carefully, keeping a close eye on his face to gauge his reaction.

“Yeah, kind of? I mean I’ve heard a bit about it. Why?”

Ritsu took a deep breath, trying to keep his anxiety at a manageable level as he spoke. “W-well, I... here, read this,” he said, handing Shou the printout the doctor had given him.

Shou looked at him in confusion before hesitantly taking the paper. Ritsu tried to wait patiently for him to finish reading, but he was already starting to panic. This was a mistake, this is so stupid, he’s going to think you’re weird-

“Okay, I’m done,” Shou said, setting the paper down in the space between them. “So... what about it?”

”Do-does it- do you think any of that... sounds like me?” Ritsu looked away, hiding his eyes behind his bangs, too afraid to look at his friend anymore. His hands were clenched into fists in his lap as he awaited his response.

Shou said nothing for a few seconds. “...Yeah,” was all he said before falling quiet again.

”Like what...?”

”Like... a lot? You’ve got a great memory and you’re super intelligent, but you overthink things a lot, like you can’t shut your brain down and rest. And... heat intolerance, huh? That’s an interesting one- yeah, that’s definitely you. Sensory processing issues - you hate loud noise, bright lights or colors, you almost threw up that one time I tried to make dinner at my place and turned on the wrong burner and heated up week-old ramen-“

”Please don’t remind me.”

”Haha, yeah, that smelled worse than shit! Anyways, the skin picking, you scratch at your arms when you’re stressed; you can be really focused sometimes, but other times it’s like you can’t focus at all; you’re a good liar but let’s be real, you’re completely socially awkward; fidgeting - does bending spoons count? Is that like a fidget toy for you? Special interests, oh boy, you’re practically obsessed with psychic powers-“

”O-okay, okay, I get it!”

Shou blinked at the interruption. “What? You asked me to elaborate.”

”I know I did, but- I get the point now. It, sounds a lot like me, right?”

Shou groaned, leaning back on his hands. “All right, what are you trying to get at? Just tell me what’s going on! I was worried when I got your text, you know, you rarely ask me to come over on such short notice.”

”Okay, fine! I-“ Ritsu gulped, struggling to force the words out, “I... went to the doctor recently. I was- having trouble sleeping, and I’ve been feeling very anxious for no obvious reason. Nothing, nothing was physically wrong, but... they handed me that,” he gestured to the paper beside him, “and told me to read it and... tell me what I thought, and... well. It really... sounds like me, doesn’t it?”

Shou stared at him with a neutral expression. “Yeah, it does. So problem solved, right? You got an answer! Now you can get treatment for it!”

”There’s- there’s no cure, Shou. I can’t fix it. I can’t- can’t do anything.”

”What do you mean? Of course you can do something, there’s all kinds of medications out there to-“

”I don’t want medications!” Ritsu snapped, slamming his fists on his lap, the books on his shelves rising and falling in time with his movements. “I don’t want to have to drug myself to feel normal - for the rest of my life, Shou! Don’t you get that?! I’ll be suffering with this for the rest of my fucking life!”

”Whoa, Ritsu, I understand how you feel, but you’ve gotta calm down-“ Shou laid a hand on his back, but he shoved him away, standing from the bed in anger.

”No, you don’t understand! How could you possibly understand this?!”

Ritsu glared at Shou as forcefully as he could, but to his surprise, Shou remained largely unaffected. His bright blue eyes were wide, almost vulnerable, searching Ritsu for something he wasn’t aware of. After a minute of their little standoff, Shou stood up as well, maintaining a respectable distance between them. “Hey, Ritsu. I think it’s my turn to ask a question.”

Ritsu’s jaw slackened. “Wh-what?”

”So, you know about autism, right? What about ADHD? They’re both neurological disorders, did you know that?”

Ritsu shook his head, totally lost.

Shou looked him directly in the eyes, and his expression fell to something painfully honest. “Short attention span. Talks a lot, loses train of thought mid-sentence. Always moving. Doing things spontaneously without much planning. Loud, just in general pretty loud.”

Ritsu absently shook his head. “What are you talking about? I don’t really understand what you’re trying to say.”

”Would you say those things sound like me?”

”What?” Ritsu paused for a moment, thinking over the things that Shou had listed. “Yeah, actually. That’s basically you to a T.”

Shou smirked, pleased with himself. “Right? My attention span is shit.”

Ritsu waited for him to continue. Shou just remained quiet, with the same smile stuck on his face. “...So, what were you saying?”

Shou blinked. “Oh, heh. Right,” his smile turned bashful, and he rubbed the back of his neck absently as he regained his train of thought. “Gah, I lost the dramatic edge already, so I’ll just come out and say it. I’ve... I’ve got that. ADHD. Sorry I never got around to telling you but, you know. It never really came up.”

Ritsu felt his heart skip a beat. Shou had just revealed something personal to him; and Ritsu had been going on about how such a thing would be awful to live with the whole time... now he was certain that this had all been a mistake. “I... I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-“

”What are you talking about? I didn’t tell you to make you feel guilty,” Shou hopped up from the bed and approached him. “I told you so you could... I don’t know, feel better about yourself? I know it’s not the exact same thing, but it’s similar, yeah? So you can, like... talk to me about it. And, uh, I can clear up some of your concerns, I guess.”

Ritsu deflated, his earlier anger dissipating like smoke. He was... actually really touched by Shou’s offer - he had wanted to confide in him anyways, but being able to talk to someone that could actually understand what he was feeling, even if only a little? He was already starting to feel more at ease.

”Maybe that’s why...” Ritsu mumbled, walking back over to his bed. Shou shot him a quizzical look, silently urging him to elaborate. “When we met... we clicked right away, didn’t we? Even if you beat me up... and set my house on fire...”

”Shit, are you still mad about that?”

”Mm... I don’t think so,” Ritsu said with a smile, chuckling as Shou loudly sighed in relief, falling back onto the bed beside him. “I mean, even after you did that much, I still went along with you, and fought beside you. That’s never happened to me before. I’ve never- I’ve never trusted someone as easily as I’ve trusted you.”

Shou’s eyes widened, and he swiftly looked away. “Yeah, yeah me too! I mean, you didn’t burn my house down or anything, but I- you were the only person that caught my eye. Like, at Claw. Just something about the look in your eyes, how you were willing to fight even if you knew you couldn’t win-“

”Hey, I’m not that weak.”

”I know, I know! That’s why I liked you! You were strong, in a way I don’t think a lot of people are. I knew right away... I wanted to be your friend.”

Ritsu’s heart was soaring, moved by Shou’s words, and he hid an involuntary smile behind his hand. “That’s what I was saying. Maybe... we connected so easily because we’re similar. Or something.”

Shou finally looked back at him, light pink still dusted along his cheekbones. “Yeah, maybe.”

The conversation died down. Ritsu let his hands fall back down to his side, fingers brushing against the now crumpled list he’d been given. “I’m kind of scared,” he whispered. “I don’t know what any of this means. It should have been an answer to my problems, but now I feel even more lost than I did before.”

“You’ll be okay, Ritsu. Nothing’s changed.”

”If I want to get better... would I have to take medications?”

“...Maybe,” Shou said honestly. “But maybe not. Therapy works, too. And listen, nobody’s gonna force you to do anything you don’t want to do. It’s your decision.”

Ritsu considered that for a few moments. He still felt depressed over the whole situation, but he would hopefully come to understand things in the days to come. In the end, it was only a suggestion, but either way, he knew Shou would be there for him.

”...Thank you, Shou,” he said softly, leaning in to rest his head against Shou’s shoulder. “I’m a mess, aren’t I?”

”You sure are,” Shou returned affectionately. “We’re both a mess. But... we’re gonna get through it together. We’re not gonna give up. Right?”

“Right,” Ritsu smiled. He wasn’t sure he felt that confident in the moment, but he would try. He had to be there for Shou, too.